Ever noticed that hole in your heart? That yearning for something? I have my entire life and I’ve tried many things to fill it up. Friendships, acceptance from others, romance, looking good, perfecting whatever it was that I was working on. Wherever I searched for answers, for meaning, I’d get a hold of some it and then it would flutter away in the breeze. No matter where I looked it seemed like truth and meaning and something substantial eluded me.
This blog was started with trying to perfect my physical health – honestly, at first it was just about losing weight. Sure, gaining health was a bonus, who doesn’t want that? But really, really, at the heart of the issue was I just didn’t want to be fat. To show the world I indeed have it all together. Just so I could fill that gaping chasm of gnawing fear and empty insecurity.
Eating paleo has been life-changing and I firmly believe that what we eat can hinder us or heal us; our food has a tremendous effect on just not our physical body, but our mind and emotions, too. Also, where we put our dollars to buy our food has a great impact on the world around us, too. These are values I hold dearly. This however, is but a small stepping stone to finding deep meaning in life. Even the paleo world led me into that crazy tangle of searching for answers that always slipped out of reach. And one day God told me that paleo is not my god and it will never fill that void in my soul. Food and health is not the ultimate answer that I am searching for.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned things along the way and taken a little of this and a little of that. And I’ve picked up some valued treasures of insight from those little pieces here and there. One inspiration sort of led to another, but I always felt like I was stumbling in the dark. Each time I tried to say to myself in regards to something new I was learning was, “There! Here’s the solution to finally help me feel grounded on my own two feet! Maybe this time I’ll get fixed,” and the wisps of ideas and answers either slip away from me or tangle my steps.
Yoga helps you get in touch with your light from within, but I can’t light and keep the fire burning inside of who I am all by myself. No counselor or book I’ve ever read has ever completely convinced me that I’m worthy, that I’m valuable or even came close to untangling the issues hidden inside me. I have some mighty defensive walls built up around my heart and no one could ever scale them. Whatever I seemed to learn never extended into the reality of my day to day living. In spite of all that I learned how to think better, nothing truly impacted what really happened in my head. Nothing I’ve ever learned or read about fills this void at the seat of my soul.
God showed me that building my identity on anything other than Him will always be an unstable foundation, truly like trying to build your house on the sand. And that’s exactly what I had been doing, shifting around and crumbling to pieces.
God is the One and Only that lights my light within and keeps it burning; who else but the One who created me (and you) will ever truly know me (and you)? Jesus has been my One and Only who has convinced me that I’m valuable – He went to the cross to prove it. The Holy Spirit has been the ultimate Counselor and has managed to scale my walls and untangle those tightly-held issues that nothing else has EVER even begun to come close to doing. God the Father is the One and Only who has convinced me that my existence is a reason for joy. God is the One and Only that seeps Truth into my heart that inspires a bravery in me to believe that has never happened before.
It’s because He’s the One and Only that is Love itself. A burning, fiery, passionate Love that can be as gentle as a soft summer breeze or an explosion of magnificence that blows the mind. A love that wraps me up and saw me before the world began.
It’s God Himself that heals the gaping wounds of my heart and the One and Only who can finally settle my soul with satisfaction. No more of those ideas/solutions slipping just beyond my grasp because I’m being held wholly by the One who is the ultimate answer.
God has been pressing this passage from Psalm 139 into my mind and heart lately and I’ll share it with you:
9 If I take the wings of the morning or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there shall Your hand lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, surely the darkness shall cover me and the night shall be [the only] light about me,
12 Even the darkness hides nothing from You, but the night shines as the day;
the darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth!
Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret
[and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors]
in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written
before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.